Of Folktales and Community Theatre
by Aliaslisa
Summary: What would happen if the Yorozuya gang were in charge of their own community theatre with their friends as the actors and Shinpachi as the director? Features several Gintama characters, Okikagu and hints of GinTsu


I've been reading a bit of Ibsen (for school) recently, and I concluded that I wanted to make the Folktales (for those who read my profile) into 'plays' of sorts. The general idea is: _what if the Yorozuya was in charge of running a community theatre, and use their friends as actors?_

Well, here goes my attempt to do that.

The first play will be one of my favorite Norwegian folktales: White-Bear-King-Valemon (Kvitevbjørn Kong Valemon). It's about a King who gets turned into a polar bear when he refuses to marry an evil witch, and how a princess saves him.

(Wikipedia provides an extended synopsis: wiki/White-Bear-King-Valemon )

Without further ado here's the **_disclaimer_**: I do not own Gintama

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><p><strong>The Inconvenient Truth of a Polar Bear in Heat<strong>

* * *

><p>"Thank you so much for coming here on such short notice" Shinpachi smiled and rounded up a bunch of scripts. He distributed them to the actors in front of him. "The show is tonight, so we don't have that much time to rehearse. I've marked your lines in the scripts, please memorize them thoroughly."<p>

"Shin-chan" Otae said with her fake smile, a vain clearly making its way across her forehead. "Why is it that I'm not the princess… why am I the Queen?"

Shinpachi started to sweat nervously _'She will kill me when she sees who the king is…'_ He was about to give her some calming words when aforementioned king interrupted him.

"Otae-saaaaaan, we're married! It finally happened! I'm so happy!" Kondo exclaimed with a cheerful smile, a teardrop of happiness in each corner of his closed eyes. He was about to embrace his stage-wife when Otae punched him in the gut.

"Don't get any weird ideas! We _are not, _and will _never_ be, married in real life."

Her words didn't discourage the gorilla one bit. He put his arms around two of his daughters (played by Hijikata and Okita), tightening them in a deadlock, hugging them against his chest. "Aren't your mother wonderful girls," he continued.

"You need to calm down Kondo-san, you're embarrassing the Shinsengumi."

"You're wrong Hijikata-san! You're the one who's embarrassing the squad."

Hijikata was about to retort to Sougo's insolence when Kondo squeezed him even harder, making him loose his breath. Kondo noticed his subordinates turning blue and let them both go. "I'm sorry girls, I'm just so happy about our little family."

Shinpachi met Yamazaki's gaze, they both nodded that they shouldn't butt in 'the happy family's affair. "Moving on," he finally said, turning his head towards the man playing the bear king. "We're not able to make a polar bear costume for you in time, so we'll have to pretend that Sadaharu is you and vice verca."

Gintoki let a pinky slip into his nose, "whatever" he said. "Who's playing the princess? Did you get Ketsuno Ana as I requested?"

Shinpachi shook his head. "I'm sorry Gin-san, but it's impossible to get in touch with her. She's too big of a celebrity."

The bear king frowned, "then who's playing the princess?" he looked at Kagura next to him and placed the hand - that'd previously occupied his nose - on the top of her head. "I hope it's someone other than this brat."

Kagura grabbed the hand on top of her head and threw the owner of it down on the stage floor. "Why shouldn't I be the princess? I'm beautiful and pure of heart yes?"

Gintoki rubbed his left cheek; which was the first thing that had hit the floor. "Oi, what was that for?"

Shinpachi noticed the insult forming in his boss' mind, and interrupted him before he could say anything about Kagura's flat chest or something other in those lines. "No Kagura, you're the narrator!" he said quickly, hoping to change the subject.

It was true that Kagura wasn't the best option to play a sweet, innocent princess; but that was not the reason he made her the narrator. The reason was that the yato had a bad memory and would never learn her lines in time.

Kagura grinned, "does that mean I have the most important role?"

The Yorozuya cherry-boy straightened his glasses "you have the most lines." A proud smile formed in her features. "And you're in charge of handling Sadaharu on stage." She nodded.

"Then who's playing the princess that saves me?" A purple-haired girl fell on him from the ceiling.

"I'm the one that saves you!" the stalker screamed, twitching on top of him.

Gintoki pushed Sacchan away in one brisk movement, "like hell you are!"

"I'm sorry Sarutobi-san, but you're playing the witch who poisons him"

"What!" she screamed and grabbed Shinpachi's collar. "Who's playing the princess?" she said violently. A kunai graced her cheek. A little blood streamed out of the thin cut. She tossed Shinpachi on the floor and looked in the direction the kunai had originated from. A sarcastic smile replaced her frown. "Watch where you throw those things, you bitch."

Tsukuyo walked over to them with Seita rolling Hinowa's wheelchair behind her.

"Ahh, you made it Tsukuyo-san," Shinpachi smiled from the floor, handing the Hyakka boss her script. He greeted the other two and gave them their scripts as well.

Tsukki blushed when she read her part. "I'm the princess?" Seita grinned knowingly next to her. She closed her eyes to calm down "why're ya smiling like that?" and smacked him lightly in the back of the head. The boy's grin didn't disappear.

"You're blushing" Hinowa added, and giggled with her hand in front of her mouth.

"Am not!"

Shinpachi shook his head. This play could only go two ways: wrong or horribly wrong.

* * *

><p>The dress rehearsal went better than Shinpachi had dared to expect.<p>

Everyone knew most of their lines – even Gintoki was making an effort to do a good job. Their costumes were ready (much thanks to the nimble sowing-hands of Yamazaki and Hinowa) and there had been little to none fighting the entire time.

Kondo had finally calmed down, which in turn had calmed Otae's violence towards him and the rest of the cast. Sacchan and Tsukuyo had stopped their verbal abuse… even Kagura and Okita were behaving (mostly because Shinpachi had made a point to keep known rivals as far away from each other as the theatre allowed).

They had only time for one run-through of the play before they had to show the audience in.

..

..

Kagura walked out to the center of the stage. She wore a costume that looked like it belonged to the set of 'The Sound of Music'. She held a brown, leather-bound book in her hands. She opened the book, cleared her throat dramatically and read her lines from the script Shinpachi had place inside the book (for good measure of course).

"Once upon a time, there was a king. The king had two daughters who were ugly and mean, and a third daughter who was beautiful and kind." She paused and looked at her young audience before she continued. "She was as pure as the day was clear, and everyone in the kingdom loved her."

Kagura walked to the left side of the stage so the other actors could enter. The spotlight followed her (courtesy of stage manager Yamazaki), and another lit where the narrator had first stood. A golden wreath (in reality a spray-painted Christmas ornament) laid on the center stage. Tsukuyo walked out and picked it up, placing on her head. The princess was wearing a simple, lavender gown that matched her eyes, and she wore a small tiara that signaled her royal status.

"The princess dreamt of a gilded wreath that she couldn't live without. When she couldn't have it, she became immersed with grief and would no longer speak" Kagura continued, shaking her head ever so slightly of what she believed a petty thing to get so hung up on.

Shinpachi gave her a glare, stopping her disapproving motioning. _'Like you're anything better, you wouldn't wake up last week until Gin-san and I bought you a pound of Sukonbu.'_

Kagura gave him a sideways glare back. "When the king found out, he sent for every jeweler and goldsmith in the kingdom." Kondo entered the stage and vaguely motioned the things the narrator described. "Everyone worked night and day, but none of the contributions satisfied the princess."

Sadaharu walked out on stage; Yamazaki and Hinowa had done their best to make the huge dog look like a polar bear, but one could still tell that it was Kagura's monstrous companion. The dog was carrying the wreath in his mouth; he laid down on the floor and played with it between his paws.

All the children in the audience uttered an "aaaaw" in unison as they watched the cute animal roll about with the golden Christmas ornament in its mouth.

"Then one day, when the princess was walking in the forest; she met a polar bear with a golden wreath."

Tsukuyo entered, and said her first line. "This wreath, it is the one I have dreamt of. Pray; how much gold would you like for it?"

Gintoki - who stood next to Shinpachi behind the curtain – found Tsukuyo attempt at formal speech amusing . He placed both hands in front of his hands to muffle a laugh. Shinpachi elbowed him in the stomach. _"It's your turn"_ he demanded and held out a microphone to his boss.

_"__Oh sorry," _the silver-haired man whispered back. He grabbed the microphone Shinpachi handed him and coughed before he turned it on. "This wreath is priceless. I will only accept your hand as payment."

"I _can not_ live without it; life is only worth living with this in my possession… It makes no difference where I am and whom I marry, as long as I get this wreath." She took the wreath that Sadaharu offered her.

Gintoki let a 'humpf' escape his mouth before he answered. "Then it's settled... Say goodbye to your father and mother; for I will take you away from them in three days."

Kagura continued her narration; telling the audience that the king would not allow his favorite daughter to leave the kingdom; plotting to send his entire army to kill the polar bear when he arrived. While she did this, Tsukuyo walked off the stage to let Kondo reenact Kagura's narration.

She hit the silver-haired man in the head. "Wadda ya think ya're doin asshole!" it was a statement rather than a question. Gintoki tried to respond, but got a new punch in the face. "Don't ya dare laugh anymore!" she walked off, clenching her fists, muttering obscenities.

Shinpachi watched as various cast member acted as guards trying to overpower a polar bear. Sadaharu pawed them, knocking everyone to the ground. Kondo walked out again and said he would give up his eldest daughter.

_'So far so good,'_ the director thought '_maybe this play will be a success after all…'_ He regretted it as soon as he let those words form a sentence in his mind. He knew that was the worst thing he could think, it was like saying 'Macbeth' out loud – a curse.

Hijikata, dressed in drag, walked out on the stage. He was about to climb on top of Sadaharu – like he'd done in the dress rehearsal – but the dog had other plans. Kagura's beast flashed his teeth and bit Hijikata's head.

"Gin-san, do something!" the director yelped.

Gintoki spoke into the microphone. "Have you ever been more comfortable, have your vision ever been this clear?" he read his line in a deadpan manner.

Shinpachi's tsukkomi-side awoke. "Of course he's not comfortable! Just look at him! Sadaharu is digging his teeth straight trough Hijikata's skull and into his brain!" Rivers of blood started to run down Hijikata's face. "And he doesn't have any vision at all now!"

Hijikata lit a cigarette.

"Hey! That's not in the script!"

Sadaharu's victim blew smoke out of his mouth. "I've been more comfortable on my mother's lap, I've seen clearer in my father's garden."

"Of course you have!"

Sadaharu shook Hijikata and tossed him off the stage. "Then you're not the one," Gintoki added lazily.

Shinpachi calmed down when he noticed the kids were laughing. _'We can still salvage this'_ he contemplated.

* * *

><p>Kagura narrated as various cast members once again tried to fight Sadaharu; he struck them down with one swing of the paw this time as well. Kondo declared that he would send his second daughter with the 'bear'.<p>

The director noticed that Okita whispered something in Kagura's ear before he walked out on stage. _'Oh no!'_

Several girls in the audience screamed when they recognized the Shinsengumi _bishonen_ who appeared before them. Tsukuyo stood next to Shinpachi, clearly irritated that her 'ugly sister' was getting more attention than herself. Shinpachi buried his face in his hand, this did not bode well.

Sadaharu allowed the Shinsengumi captain to climb on his back. He walked from one end of the stage to the other, and then turned around to walk back. Shinpachi's eyes widened when he realized the narrator was missing. She was supposed to say "when they had walked long and longer than long…"

Shinpachi elbowed Gintoki, "Say your lines Gin-san"

The Yorozuya boss said the same line with the same unaffected voice, "have you ever been more comfortable, have your vision ever been this clear?"

Okita was about to answer the dog when he got an umbrella in his face.

Shinpachi started to rip his hair. "Why is she doing this? What the hell did Okita-san say to her?" he watched as the officer unsheathed his sword underneath his dress. "Why is he wearing a sword? He's a princess!" Okita grinned viciously at Kagura and went at her with full speed. She dodged him by doing a back flip, leading her backstage. The policeman followed her.

"Gin-san, do something!"

Gintoki scratched the top of his head. "Then you're not the one," he yawned in his hand.

"LIKE THAT SOLVES ANYTHING!" Shinpachi looked at the audience. They didn't seem to mind the turn of events. He huffed and ran over to the book Kagura had left in her place. He cleared his throat and narrated Sadaharu's third and final brush with the guards.

The king let begrudgingly go of his youngest daughter. Gintoki proclaimed her worthy, and Tsukki road off stage on Sadaharu's back.

Curtain fall, end of act one.

* * *

><p>"What the hell happened out there?" the director demanded, waving his hands frantically.<p>

"What do you mean? I think the first act went well." Gintoki said, the other cast members nodded approvingly.

"Don't worry Shin-chan," Otae placed a calming hand on her little brother's shoulder. "Everyone is having fun, isn't that the point?"

Shinpachi was about to tell them that fun was not the issue, the violence was more of a problem seeing as there were so many young kids in the audience. But he got interrupted as Kyuubei entered the backstage area.

"Otae-san!" the Yagyuu clansman yelled at her friend.

"Kyuubei-chan, you made it!" Otae said with a warm smile as the one-eyed girl approached her.

Kyuubei blushed. "Sorry, I missed the first act… I have these for you," she said and handed Otae a bouquet of red roses.

"Oh, you shouldn't have!"

"Stars deserve star-treatment."

"I'm hardly a star; I'm only in one scene."

"Ah, I thought you were playing the princess."

Kondo came and placed his arm around Otae. "No, she plays my wife," he grinned.

A vein popped in Kyuubei's forehead, she unsheathed her sword and pointed it at the Shinsengumi commander. "Unhand Otae-san."

"Don't worry about it Kyuubei-chan," Otae answered. She grabbed Kondo's arm and tossed him into the theater's brick wall, knocking him out cold.

"Oh no, see what you've done now big sister!" Shinpachi chimed in. He tried to wake Kondo, but it was to no avail. "Who'll play the King now?"

Kyuubei saw her chance and grabbed it, "I'll do it!"

"But you're a girl!"

"Didn't you use to think I was a guy?"

"Well that's true but…"

"No really, I can do it!"

Shinpachi shook his head in a defeated manner, "I'm sure it won't change anything now anyway." He took Kondo's crown and placed it on top of Kyuubei's head. He gave her a script and told her to memorize her lines before the intermission ended. The Yagyuu nodded and hurriedly flipped over the pages to read the highlighted areas.

The director sat down and let out a loud sight, "this is getting out of hand."

"You're the one that chose a hard play to begin with. It would be much simpler for the reader if you just picked something they knew, like 'Little Red Riding Hood' or 'Jack and the Beanstalk'." Gintoki said lazily while picking his nose.

Shinpachi shook his head. "It's not my fault the author is so immensely hung up on her own culture." He looked at the resting actors and raised a brow. "Where's Kagura-chan and Okita-san?"

Gintoki flicked his bogger at the wall, "hell if I know."

The director sighed again and straightened his glasses. "Guess I'll just pick up the slack and be the narrator instead." As he was about to rise up and look over the script, a red-haired girl was flung in front of him. "Kagura-chan!"

"Is that all you got sadist?" She said while she wiped blood away from her smirk.

"Don't be too cocky now China, no one likes a self-satisfied woman you know," Okita placed a foot on her stomach. "Looks like you lost to me," he grinned.

"You wish!" Kagura managed to maneuver her body around, swiping the officer's other foot. He fell down beside her. "Now who's losing?"

"It's still you," he slid himself up on her stomach, his sword directed at her throat. "Yield now would 'ya, you're supposed to read from that book in less than five minutes."

"Never!" She tried to kick him in his privates, but failed miserably.

"HOW ARE YOU TWO DATING!" Shinpachi yelled from the top of his lungs, waving his arms around like a bird trying to fly for the first time.

"None of your business cherry-boy!" they said in unison.

Shinpachi closed his eyes to stop himself from crying. _'I'm a cherry-boy by choice… I'm saving myself for Otsuu. Yeah, that's it!'_ he was about to explain his bachelor situation when he noticed the sadistic duo locking lips (now with Kagura on top). "What the hell happened when I closed my eyes!"

Gintoki dragged Sougo from underneath his rival/girlfriend. "Watch what you're doing there Sofa-kun. You don't want her dad to beat the crap out of you now would you?"

"Give him hell Gin-chan!"

"But _danna_, she's the one that forced herself on me," he deadpanned.

"Like I would ever _want_ to kiss you sadist," she said and crossed her arms. "I'd rather die."

"That can be arranged," he said sadistically, earning a slap in the back of his head.

"Watch your language young man," he turned to his surrogate daughter. "And you Kagura, I expected better from you." She 'humfed' and walked off.

Shinpachi shook his head, "you should really treat her better you know. You should tell her how you really feel."

"I did," the officer said in an unaffected tone. "Why do you think she jumped me on stage earlier?" he walked off, ready to remove the princess costume he was still dressed in.

"Teasing her and saying that you hate her doesn't count," Shinpachi yelled after him.

"That's not what I did either, you should tell off China and not me, she's the one that overreacted," he waved his hand lazily and went into the male dressing room.

_'__What's going on with those two? They've been like Sid and Nancy for weeks…'_ He pushed the thought out of his head; there wasn't any time to deal with that right now. He looked at the watch hanging on the wall next to him.

"It's time for act two," Shinpachi declared.

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><p>I'm sorry for not updating this right away. It might take a while before I can do it, the file i wrote this on was on my school computer, who sadly commited seppuku not to long ago. I have to wait for it to be fixed before I get to update, unless I find the time to write the second part anew.<p> 


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